


your thorns i pressed into my fingers

by pinkfen



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Depression, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Family Issues, Fluff, Happy Ending, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:09:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28654764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkfen/pseuds/pinkfen
Summary: Jeno closed and locked the front door softly, then turned to see Jaemin standing in the middle of his living room, bathed in moonlight. He looked a little uncertain, a little triumphant, a lot afraid of the future. Jeno’s heart pounded.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 68





	your thorns i pressed into my fingers

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rework of my [gotchick] 2017 vixx oneshot of the same title. Please read the tags before reading the fic! Back then, this was my Kpop ficmix for another author’s fic. If you’re interested in reading the work this was inspired by, you can find it linked to the original on my gotchick account. I thought twice about reworking this because of the subject matter, but it’s actually my most underrated work at less than 800 hits in more than 3 years, due to the fandom and I think I forgot to forward date it back when I posted to the ficmix challenge lol. i worked hard on this fic and I’m still proud of it, so I wanted more people to read it; I believe [or hope] it can provide comfort to anyone who finds it close to their heart, or just anyone in general, as knowing the subject is serious, I wrote it with as much delicacy as I could at the time. It’s basically Soft fluff about love and the journey of recovery from depression, and has a happy ending. I really hope you can enjoy this and find it a little realistic :)
> 
> [I have to say this again because of how much I respect the subject, but this fic contains a scene of self-harm, specifically cutting, so please don’t read it if you think it’ll trigger you in any way.]
> 
> Lastly, sorry for this pre-fic wall of text but the dialogues in here are a bit cliche thanks to my younger self being even more hopeless at writing dialogue than I currently am lmao. But I still do think as a whole this is a short and simple oneshot worth reading, and I also feel that though mental health issues may be written very little in fanfiction, for obvious reasons, it is important that they’re given representation as much as any other topic and not seen as taboo. So I hoped to contribute my piece, however imperfect it is :)

The first time Jeno walked in on Jaemin cutting in his house, he couldn’t breathe for a moment. He already knew Jaemin did this — but seeing the blood actually dripping down his arm tore his heart out of his chest. Jaemin didn’t notice him at first, seeming hypnotised by the liquid flow of red. Jeno called his name hoarsely, urgently. He looked up, eyes dazed. A guilty, embarrassed look crossed his face and he tried to hide the penknife, but it was too late.

Jeno walked up shakily and gently uncurled Jaemin’s fingers, loosening the blade from them. He tossed it into the trash, his own fingers trembling.

“Why did you do it again?” he asked.

“It soothes me, takes the edge off.” Jaemin’s calm answer broke his heart. “I’m sorry, Jen, but I can’t quit. Not yet.”

“For me?” Jeno pled, a desperate attempt.

“Sorry,” Jaemin repeated quietly, and Jeno immediately regretted. He didn’t want to make Jaemin feel like he was disappointing him, when he already felt that way towards others. He didn’t want to put pressure on Jaemin to do anything he didn’t want to. But… Jeno couldn’t watch Jaemin hurting the body Jeno loved without saying anything.

*

“Let me do it.” Jeno reached out for the bandage Jaemin was unrolling.

Jaemin gave him a small smile and passed it over without resisting.

“I used to do it myself. I never thought I would have someone to help me.”

Jeno mechanically wrapped Jaemin’s arm up with painstaking gentleness, trying not to feel anything looking at the painful raw wound, trying to see this as any arm other than his lover’s.

“What happened?” he asked softly, concentrating on fastening the bandage snugly over Jaemin’s thin arm.

*

Jaemin took a moment to answer. “Last night, my parents…” He trailed off, seeming too pained by the memory to continue.

Jeno moved Jaemin’s arm carefully back into his lap, not daring to jolt it further. They were sitting on the floor in Jaemin’s bathroom, facing each other. Jeno looked up to meet Jaemin’s eyes seriously.

“You know it’s not your fault, right? Whatever happens is between them. You’re not responsible.”

Jaemin looked surprised. He stared unblinkingly at Jeno with wide eyes for a while, before lowering his head and replying. “I know.”

Jeno gazed at the crown of his head. “I’m sorry if I’m overstepping my boundaries, and I know I don’t know anything about your family situation… but as someone who cares for you, I just wish you wouldn’t blame yourself for anything that isn’t under your control. Because Jaem… you deserve to live too. You deserve happiness.” He didn’t realise how his voice had grown more emotional until he said the last word.

Even as he said that, he heard how presumptuous he sounded. As someone who had never gone through the same experiences as Jaemin, he had no right to even imagine he could understand how Jaemin felt. And he knew well that family was something inseparable from oneself, knit into one’s bones because they were flesh and blood. Besides, it was possible that Jaemin had other problems he wasn’t aware of too.

But Jaemin didn’t seem to mind. He smiled weakly at Jeno, reaching for his hand. “I know you care for me, Jeno-yah. But achieving happiness is more difficult than you think. I count myself lucky if I’m able to feel numb.”

*

He left Jaemin’s house soon after with the conversation having tapered off, unfinished and left hanging. The next time they met was during lunch in school the next day. Jeno told Jaemin he wanted to treat him to dinner.

Jaemin looked up sharply. “Are you pitying me?”

“Of course not!” Jeno replied right away, but he couldn’t meet Jaemin’s eyes, feeling guilty. It was true he wanted to buy Jaemin dinner because Jaemin had told him some time ago he didn’t get an allowance, but it wasn’t true that he pitied Jaemin. He had never felt pity for Jaemin. Empathy and sympathy, yes. But not pity.

He wondered what he should say for Jaemin to believe him.

“Jaeminie…” he started. “I wanted to have dinner with you because I want to spend more time with you. And I don’t pity you, but… everything you do just makes me want to protect you more.”

Jaemin blinked, stunned, then broke into a startled smile. Jeno beamed back. It looked like Jaemin believed him.

*

Since they transitioned from friends to lovers and started dating, they’d began spending their lunch breaks together having heart-to-heart talks. It seemed to do Jaemin a world of good just having a listening ear, and Jeno just wanted to be there for him in any way he could. As he gradually let down his guard and confided in Jeno, he couldn’t help noticing what a good talker Jaemin was. He had an interesting personality and a nice voice. Jeno felt so honoured that Jaemin trusted him enough to share his personal and private emotions with him. He vowed to be worthy of Jaemin’s trust.

“I really appreciate you opening up to me,” he said carefully. “And maybe in the future… you could consider sharing your problems with other people too. Finding a few close friends who are trustworthy and learning to trust them too, maybe. You seem lighter, less stressed after you talk to me.”

“I am,” Jaemin agreed, but seemed to hesitate at Jeno’s suggestion. “But I don’t know… if other people would understand, or care. What if they laugh at me, or use it against me?”

Jeno placed his hand on Jaemin’s knee. “Yes, I know it’s hard. And I know better than anybody else that you can’t afford the heartbreak and hurt. But I hope that one day, you’ll be able to feel ready to take this risk. I want you to have more people to share your feelings with, besides me. Sometimes, even an additional new perspective makes a difference.”

Jaemin smiled at him indulgently and nodded. “Okay, I’ll try.”

“That’s my Nana.” Jeno was so proud of him. “Babe… I just wanted you to remind you that you’re doing so well. You can do it. I’m here for you. You’re braver and stronger than you think you are, and I know the suffering you’ve gone through.”

Jaemin looked speechless at his sincere words. “No one's ever told me that before,” he whispered, eyes red-rimmed.

“I’m honoured to be the first,” Jeno replied, moving closer to give him comfort.

Jaemin sighed, and shifted closer too, leaning against him and resting his head on Jeno’s shoulder. They were sitting under the tree, the breeze pleasant in their hair. Jeno wrapped his arm around Jaemin, worried he felt cold.

Jaemin snuggled against him comfortably. “I just feel so at home when I’m with you. Around others, I have to pretend to be okay, to be happy, and it’s tiring. You were the only one who noticed what’s under my sleeve, under my face.”

Jeno stroked his hair. “Yes, there’s no need for pretence between us,” he whispered into Jaemin’s hair. “You can show me anything, tell me anything."

*

Sometimes, the memories would upset Jaemin too much and Jeno would feel bad for making him relive and recount them to him.

“Relax. Breathe,” he would murmur as Jaemin buried his face in his shirt. “Look at me.”

Jaemin raised his head timidly to meet his eyes, his face flushed and tired. “I love you,” Jeno said simply.

“I’m no good for you,” Jaemin sniffled, not crying but emotionally wrung.

Jeno’s chest tightened. “We’ve been over this. I’m not going to leave. I’m here to stay.”

“Nobody stays,” Jaemin muttered in disbelief into his shirt, adorably muffled.

“Then let me be nobody,” Jeno replied, slightly flirting. He knew he should be serious, but his heart was just so filled with love he thought it might burst. “I’m not like the others,” he continued quietly. “You don’t have to believe me immediately, but I hope you’ll give me a chance to prove it to you.”

Jaemin looked up at him, his eyes glossy with wonder. “Okay,” he said, seeming moved by Jeno’s earnest tone.

*

But when he pushed up Jaemin’s long sleeves and tried to kiss the fading scars on his arm, Jaemin pulled it away, looking stung.

“Don’t,” he whispered, clutching his arm to his chest. “I’m ashamed.”

“You said you would show me everything, without pretending.” Jeno took off his glasses and ran his hand over his face, through his hair. “I wanted to kiss your arm because it’s beautiful,” he stated.

“How can you find it beautiful?” Jaemin protested, aghast. He was staring at Jeno in shock.

“Jaemin,” Jeno said patiently. “Don’t you understand? Your imperfections are the most beautiful things about you.”

Jaemin was silent, catching his breath. His eyes remained fixed on Jeno, so he continued.

“You’re beautiful, not just on the outside but on the inside too, where it matters.”

Jaemin’s voice cracked as he uttered Jeno’s name, in hushed awe. Jeno could read what he was thinking in his eyes. _It’s a miracle I met you_.

*

That was a day Jeno felt they had made progress. But there were some days when Jaemin was uncommunicative.

“I know you want to be alone,” Jeno reassured. “I’ll leave.”

“No!” Jaemin burst out unexpectedly, tugging at the hem of his shirt. Jeno turned back and stopped walking away, confused.

“I’m afraid,” Jaemin continued agitatedly. “I never felt lonely before. But after I met you, Jen… I never want to be alone again.” His voice was vehement.

“Oh, baby.” Jeno immediately reached down and gathered him into his arms. Jaemin was shaking, blinking rapidly to fight back tears. Jeno peeled his glasses off and put them on Jaemin’s face so no one would see him so close to breaking down except himself. Jaemin looked so lovely in Jeno’s glasses, in his arms. “You can feel safe. I’ll never hurt you.”

He knew he needed to be strong when Jaemin faltered, hold his boyfriend together when he fell apart. He wanted Jaemin to let it all out, finally let go of the repressed emotions bottled inside for so many years. Jaemin’s shoulders were fragile in his embrace and Jeno was overwhelmed by the breathtaking urge to take care of him.

*

When Jeno had told him about how he had been watching over Jaemin since middle school, Jaemin’s mouth fell open in pleasant surprise and his face broke into a rare, broad grin.

After that, he started affectionately calling Jeno his guardian angel. “You’re like my hero who appears at the times I need you most, the times I feel the most alone in the world.”

Jeno smiled, flattered, but shook his head honestly. “I’m just a human being, like you.”

It was precisely this about Jaemin that made him impossible not to love — his easygoing warmth, big-heartedness and magnanimous treatment of both friends and strangers; how he didn’t even mind that Jeno had been admiring him from afar for so many years, but instead received his love in the best possible way. Jeno had hesitated for a long time, afraid to reveal himself, afraid Jaemin wouldn’t like him; but when he saw Jaemin holding that box cutter under the tree, looking like he had reached the end of his endurance, he knew it was time for him to enter Jaemin’s life.

Even now, Jeno couldn’t believe he had the right to hold this delicate hand. It felt surreal that Jaemin had agreed to be his, had trusted Jeno with not just his body but even more preciously, his mind. Jeno would never, ever let Jaemin down.

He still clearly remembered that small gesture of enormous kindness Jaemin extended to him on the first day they met, as strangers brushing shoulders. In the years that followed, Jeno had kept an eye on him, at first merely out of curiosity, but then platonic feelings had grown into something deeper. And on that day when he saw Jaemin looking so frustrated and desperate, one movement away from hurting himself, Jeno had found the answer to what he had been wondering about for months. The way his heart wrenched told him this person was who he wanted to love.

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin told him frequently. “For burdening you with my problems. Thank you.”

“Jaem.” Jeno touched his shoulder, reproachfully. “You know you don’t have to stand on ceremony with me. There’s no such thing as yours and mine between us. It’s my pleasure and privilege that you allowed me to be beside you. And… if it was me, you’d be there for me too, wouldn’t you.”

He said it as a statement, not a question. He was that certain.

As expected, Jaemin immediately replied, firmly: “Unconditionally.”

“There you go,” Jeno smiled irresistibly, making Jaemin’s face soften.

*

Jeno changed the subject to a lighter one, telling Jaemin again how bright and confident he shone the day Jeno first saw him; he was like sunshine. “You were the schoolmate I idolised and worshiped most,” he admitted shyly.

He used the past tense because Jaemin was no longer only his schoolmate, and Jeno’s adulation had now changed into adoration as an equal. But Jaemin misunderstood his meaning.

“I’m no longer the person I was then,” he said humbly.

“No!” Jeno said, getting a little too fired up. “You’re so much better.” He took both of Jaemin’s shoulders and turned to face him, gazing straight into his eyes to emphasise his point. “I mean it. This may sound weird and presumptuous to say since we’re the same age, but — I think you’ve grown up beautifully. And to me… you shine more and more every day.”

“You’re so cheesy.” Jaemin swatted his chest, but he was hiding a smile. Jaemin’s smile was so gorgeous, Jeno felt himself falling again.

“Many people look at me daily, but Jeno-yah, I feel that you’re the only one who _sees_ me,” Jaemin blurted out, seeming to have been thinking of this for a long time.

Jeno digested the words and pondered them. He too, had realised some time ago, that although he had been looking at Jaemin for years, it was only recently that he really saw him. Jaemin always put up a neutral face to hide his emotions from strangers who looked at him, understandably. But even before he had seen him under that tree, sometimes Jeno had caught a glimpse of a flash of pensiveness crossing Jaemin’s face, a sorrowful tinge to his smile. His quiet and mysterious aura drove all the girls crazy, but sometimes it seemed like it wasn’t just that he had matured but was brooding over real problems.

Only someone who observed Jaemin as closely as Jeno did could have caught it. And so he had been worried and concerned for awhile, if anything was making Jaemin sad.

Jeno loved nothing more than to see Jaemin being happy and smiling. But he respected that this was a challenge to Jaemin, one that seemed insurmountable at times. So Jeno wanted to do everything he could to help Jaemin attain the happiness he deserved.

Yes, it was true that Jaemin was ridiculously handsome in a way one couldn’t not notice — but when a person got to know him better, Jaemin’s superficial beauty became the last thing about him they noticed. Because it was just so outshone by his witty humour and four-dimensional personality, his undimmable brightness. Even before Jeno got to know Jaemin intimately, this universe inside Jaemin was a world he caught a fleeting glimpse into and became fascinated with. And now, he had discovered it was everything he imagined and more.

“You changed my life, just by being yourself,” he told Jaemin in amazement.

“So did you,” Jaemin complimented him back without missing a beat. “You give me strength and courage and everything I need and could never find. You’re the reason I get out of bed every morning, Lee Jeno. We’re just kids — but how could you be so mature?” Jaemin touched his face tentatively, as if not daring to believe he was real.

Jeno smiled, lips pressed together. He was absurdly pleased Jaemin had called him mature. Because he was always aware of their age, and also because he wanted to be the most adult version of himself to make Jaemin feel secure, he had been trying extra hard. But Jaemin didn’t need to know that it didn’t come effortlessly to him. “That’s because you bring out the best in me,” he replied enigmatically.

*

It was true. Jaemin wore his heart on his sleeve and felt too much and took on other people’s burdens, because that was how he was — but that was exactly what Jeno loved most about him. He loved how soft-hearted and caring and vulnerable Jaemin was, the sensitivity with which he loved and lived. Jaemin amazed him every day with a new and marvellous quality Jeno discovered about him. He had so many layers, like an onion, and Jeno wanted to spend every day of his life uncovering another of his depths.

*

It was a few months since they became friends and started dating, and Jeno was as in love with Jaemin as ever.

One night, Jaemin called his cell at two in the morning and told him he was standing outside his door.

Jeno nearly tripped down the stairs of his house skidding to open the door for Jaemin.

“What are you doing here?” He was still rubbing his eyes awake sleepily, but felt a twinge of worry because he knew nights were the most difficult times for Jaemin.

Jaemin laughed and tousled his pillow-mussed hair. “You look adorable.” Jeno blushed, revelling in Jaemin’s touch.

Jaemin looked good, though a bit tired. He seemed out of breath, panting a little.

“I ran all the way here,” he explained. “I’m sorry for waking you up at this hour, but I just had to see you now.”

“It’s all right,” Jeno reassured him, wiping the glistening of sweat on Jaemin’s neck with the back of his hand. He let his palm trail down Jaemin’s arm tentatively. “Are you okay?”

Jaemin paused, a fleeting trace of pain crossing his face before he smiled up at Jeno tremulously. “Honestly… I was on the verge of using my blade again just now. But just when I was about to press it into my skin, your face flashed into my mind. I imagined how achingly sad you would look if you saw my wound the next day… and I imagined how you would tell me _I’m so proud of you_ if I didn’t do it. And so… I stopped and dropped it and ran all the way here. I worked off a little of my nervous energy running, and now I feel much better.”

Jeno was dumbfounded by his long speech. This was the first time Jaemin had told him anything like this. It felt like a dream come true.

Jeno looked straight into Jaemin’s sparkling eyes. The night was behind him, sprinkled with stars and Jaemin had never looked so heartbreakingly beautiful. On impulse, Jeno leaned forward and pressed a clumsy kiss against his mouth. He missed slightly and landed on the corner of Jaemin’s lips.

He quickly pulled away, blushing, but Jaemin’s face was a pretty pink too, and he brought up a hand to touch the spot where Jeno’s lips had been in wonder.

“I’m so proud of you, Na Jaemin,” Jeno said hoarsely. The words came out automatically, not because Jaemin expected him to say them, but because he genuinely felt pride bursting out of his chest.

Jaemin just gazed at him quietly, like he was speechless to hear the words in Jeno’s voice. The ends of his mouth curled in a small contented smile, making Jeno want to kiss them again.

He cleared his throat and stepped aside, gesturing to his open doorway. “Do you want to come in? You must be tired.”

“Can I?” Jaemin asked apprehensively, lips parting. “Thanks.”

*

He had been to Jeno’s house after school before, but never at night. Jeno closed and locked the front door, then turned to see Jaemin standing in the middle of his living room, bathed in moonlight. He looked a little uncertain, a little triumphant, a lot afraid of the future. Jeno’s heart pounded.

“You know you’re terribly important to me, right? I can’t lose you.” He didn’t just mean it in the literal way. He also meant to sadness, to the void of hollow emptiness he knew still plagued Jaemin, to the monsters that haunted him even in his sleep. Although he was only a child and it was naive, Jeno wanted to save Jaemin from everything that entrapped him and never, ever let go of this boy.

Jaemin turned around. He was so, so beautiful Jeno’s breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t believe a person this attractive — inside and out — could feel unhappy, but knew it was all too possible.

“I know that,” Jaemin said, smiling softly. “I… want to get better,” he murmured hesitantly. “For you, and for myself.”

“I know you’ve always been trying your best.” Jeno was so happy to hear that, he felt a weight had been lifted off his chest. “Let’s do it together, okay? We’ll try and help you recover slowly, one step at a time.”

His heart soared when Jaemin nodded shyly.

Jeno moved towards him and danced his fingers down Jaemin’s bare, unbandaged arm. He was so glad Jaemin didn’t hurt it, and to see he wasn’t hiding his scars under long sleeves today. Goosepimples rose on Jaemin’s skin under his light, skimming touch.

“It’s late,” Jeno whispered. “Do you want to stay the night?”

“Is that okay?” Jaemin asked again, in an equally low voice. Jeno grinned and nodded.

Contrary to what people might think, their first night in the same bed wasn’t spent doing anything more than hugging, more kissing and talking, again. Jaemin’s voice had quickly become Jeno’s favourite thing in the world.

“What was it today?” Jeno finally got to ask, meaning what triggered Jaemin’s emotional reaction.

Jaemin sighed, looking grateful to him for asking. “Same shit, different day.”

*

Jeno forgot how to breathe for a moment when he woke up the next morning to see Jaemin fast asleep in his tangle of covers, curled up against Jeno in his bed. He couldn’t resist reaching out to tenderly stroke Jaemin’s hair off his forehead, but accidentally woke him up.

Jaemin yawned and stretched comfortably, then quirked a lopsided smile at him. Jeno smiled back bashfully, feeling abruptly embarrassed of his morning bedhead, wanting to rush to the bathroom and check himself in the mirror and brush his teeth in case Jaemin wanted to kiss again.

But Jaemin just gazed at him thoughtfully, cocking his head to study Jeno as if he was a puzzle he couldn’t unlock. “Wouldn’t you rather have a relationship with someone uncomplicated, easy?”

It always came down to the same gentle argument between them, not because either of them were really angry but because they cared _too much_ for each other. Jeno tried to convince Jaemin that he had never seen him as difficult.

“I love you,” he reminded Jaemin, gently. Jaemin ducked his head, blush staining his cheekbones. Jeno wished he could find the words to express how he felt — it would always be Jaemin for him, _because_ it couldn’t be anybody else. It was as simple as that. No one else had ever held his eyes and mind and heart enthralled the way Jaemin effortlessly did.

Jaemin called as he was leaving the room to bring him breakfast, making him stop in the doorway. He turned back to see Jaemin looking small and vulnerable in his ocean of sheets, looking at Jeno like he had been drowning and Jeno was the lifebuoy that saved him.

“Could you promise me something?”

“Anything,” Jeno vowed even before he heard Jaemin’s request.

Jaemin smiled, looking loved. He hesitated. “Will you… always stay in my life, no matter what happens? Even if we ever break up, I hope you can still be by my side in the capacity of a friend. If you did… I think I might be able to cope, somehow.” Jaemin looked so hopeful in the warm morning light haloing his hair.

“I will,” Jeno replied steadily, looking at him. It was the easiest promise he’d ever made.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading :)


End file.
